on-hand modern

photographing baby: one month old

can i be honest about something?

blogging is weird.

right?

everyone's all, "oh, it's easy. just be authentic. find your voice." 

and i'm like, "i have no idea what that means."

because the challenging thing about blogging is that you really have no idea who your audience is. i mean, okay, i have an idea who my audience is. but i'm surprised sometimes too. like when my nephew left a comment on my last post and my first thought was: what? that's so sweet! and then right after that i was like: my 18-year-old nephew heard me talking about LADY BITS. not that there's anything wrong with talking about lady bits. i talk about lady bits all the time! but, hello, when i talk to my nephews and nieces about childbirth (ahem, never), duh, i say "hooha" not "lady bits". (no, i don't. that's gross.)

anyway. what was i saying? oh, about finding a "voice". yeah, i don't get that. it changes, based on your audience, don't you think? and now here i am talking about my "audience" like i'm pat freaking benatar or something (sigh, a girl can dream), and that's weird too.

you know what? i'm going to go out on a limb and assume that if you read here, you think my voice is just fine, so thanks for that. clearly, i'm going through a self-conscious phase about my writing. (a phase, which if i'm being honest, has lasted, oh, about 30 years.)

this post also assumes one other thing: that you are cool with gratuitous photos of babies with heart-shaped nostrils. i mean, i don't really know for sure. maybe you hate babies. or (gasp) maybe you hate heart-shaped nostrils?!? i have no way of knowing. but then what's the alternative?

NOT posting pictures of the one-month-old baby with his special, magical nostrils?

impossible.

right?

right?!

(are you totally disturbed by the crazy postpartum lady talking to herself? don't tell me. tell me? oh, geez. i'm going to hit "publish" now, even though it's safe to say this post is proof that if blogging is weird, bloggERs are even weirder.)

***

update: it's been pointed out to me that none of these photos really showcase The Nostrils. here's a good one from instagram: heart-shaped nostrils. go ahead, pin like crazy. :)

***

it's a boy!

ezra jude olson arrived just over 3 weeks ago on a golden, sunny monday afternoon, march 18th at 5:00 PM. he weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and measured 22 inches long. he's a tall, hairy, beautiful baby with heart-shaped nostrils. (heart-shaped nostrils!) oh, he's so perfect. we keep joking it's like he fell out of a rainbow or something.

in other words, we like him so, so much.

i will try to tell you a little of his birth story. or not. so many big feelings! i know i will not do them justice. maybe i will just share a few highlights.

ezra was born at home. you guys, home birth is really, really awesome. i know it's not for everybody. and, to be honest, i really didn't know if it was for me this time around. my last birth was a home birth, and it was an amazing experience. i really hoped to do it again. but this had been a difficult pregnancy. i was sick for such a long time. it took a heavy emotional toll, and i wasn't sure if emotionally i was equipped to face natural childbirth again.

enter my midwife cheryl.

you guys. everybody should have a cheryl. equal parts midwife, therapist, and friend--she got me through some pretty dark times. i'm so grateful for her support and encouragement throughout my pregnancy, as well as during the birth experience. i remember telling her right after baby was born, "thank you so much--i couldn't have done it without you." and she was all, "yes, you could have." and she was right. i could have done it without her. but i'm glad i didn't have to.

one other thing about cheryl: girlfriend is funny. which you wouldn't necessarily think of as a requirement in a midwife, but it totally is. pregnancy and birth are these really intense, emotional life events, during which some well-timed comic relief is not only desirable but necessary. and, okay, maybe this is just me, but it only makes sense: you are going to see my lady bits up close and personal? well then, you must have a sense of humor, yep.

so cheryl is funny, compassionate, knowledgable. AND she shaves her armpits. (full disclosure: i have not verified this last point.) friends, if you live in or near kansas city and are considering a home birth, hire cheryl gates. she's the best.

ezra was born underwater. i can't say enough good things about water birth. i can only speak from my own experience and maybe it's not the same for everybody, but for me personally, laboring in the water versus laboring out of the water--it's like night and day. in the water, i'm--how do i describe it?--comfortable. i mean, yes, it's still work. no, i don't feel like i'm at the spa getting a pedicure. but contractions are totally doable--enough that, during both of my water births, i've been totally caught off guard when all of a sudden, whoa! baby! coming! now! at which point, things are anything BUT comfortable, ha, but more on that later.

outside of the water? i feel like i'm being hit by a truck. so, yeah, i like birthing in the water better.

this is the birth pool i've used for both of my water births. the engineer is in charge of all things pool-related during the birth: filling it, keeping the water warm, etc. it may seem silly to mention, but he loves this aspect of a home birth. in his own words: "i get to be a part of things. i have something to do." which is not to say he's just the pool guy. ha. he's on board with the pool and birthing at home is what i'm saying.

i caught ezra in my own hands. those last few minutes of a birth--the part where a fully-formed PERSON is coming out of you--they're, um…intense. (duh.) cheryl and i had discussed some strategies ahead of time to help me stay focused and present in that moment, the goal being to stay calm and work with my body as opposed to fighting against it.

so, when the time came (and like i said, it happened suddenly--one minute i was lying back in the pool, the next i was all, "this is the part i don't like!!!"), cheryl quietly instructed me to reach down and feel the baby. which i did. well, actually, what i felt first was a balloon of water about the size of a baseball. (my bag of water was still intact.) and then a few seconds after that, the baby's head emerged. oh my goodness, we were so close! just another few seconds and then, miracle, the rest of his body wriggled out and baby was born into my hands. 

<sob>

i can't describe it. thankfully, with three older children, i've been lucky to have had some pretty fantastic birth experiences, but this is the first time i've ever guided a baby into my own hands. it was, wow, one of the most physically (mentally, spiritually) challenging things i've ever done. words like intense, raw, vulnerable come to mind. my sister suggested another word: sacred. and that is probably the best way to describe it. it really was one of the most sacred, spiritual, awesome experiences of my life.

and happy! so, so happy.

i cut the cord. this was another first for me. i don't know what it's like in other parts of the world but in american culture at least, cutting the cord is usually a dad thing, and now that i think about it, i'm not sure why? i've never done it before--had never thought about it before--but once the idea occurred to me i couldn't imagine anyone else doing it but me.

i had envisioned the cutting of the cord as this sort of heart-wrenching, emotional experience, and that's exactly what it was. i'm a boob, yes. cried my sentimental hippie eyes out, i did.

it took us two weeks to name the baby. zoiks! crazy, i know. but the engineer and i are notoriously slow movers. in the meantime, the kids had started calling the baby "dragon" in the womb, so we stuck with that until we had something official.

we chose ezra because it's a bible name like his brother's. it's also the name of a religious leader, ezra taft benson, who meant a lot to me as a kid. i wrote a letter to him once when i was eight years old, and he wrote me back. ha. twenty-five years later, it's still one of the coolest things that ever happened to me.

we like family names as middle names. ezra's middle name is jude, after my mom and grandma who are/were both named judith. my mom and i both cried when we told her.

there are so many more details i could share. like how i'm so grateful to the engineer for doing this family thing with me. like how his presence and gentle encouragement during the birth gave me so much strength and courage. like how the first people to know we had a baby were the total strangers who rang the doorbell just minutes after ezra was born. (a father and son, letting us know they'd hit and totaled k's car (!) while it was parked on the street, thus providing the perfect wacky twist to the end of this story.)

i have about a bazillion photos to go through.

meanwhile. he's here! he's healthy. we are over the moon.

[bottom photo by asher / and you can now view instagram photos online]

***

40 weeks

today i woke up 40 weeks pregnant with my 4th baby.

just an ordinary day. but not. i could have a baby today! or not. such a funny in-between-ness, these last few days of pregnancy.

i've slowed down a lot over the last month or so. out of necessity, as well as by conscious decision. life has been sort of a blur since january. the engineer was out of town for a while, and then while he was in malaysia he caught the flu, and then he came home, and then after a while he got better--just in time to really get sick. i won't go into details except to say that feeding a semi-coherent grown man protein shakes and pureed baby food from a squeeze bottle is pretty much as nuts as it sounds.

my parents flew into town from salt lake city last week to help with kids and give me a much-needed mental health break. i don't normally recommend playing hostess to out-of-town guests in the final days before birthing a baby, but, you guys. it was awesome. they stayed in a hotel and invited the kids to sleep over at night and took them swimming and to the library and out for donuts. i had a whole week of mornings to myself to just…be. i can't tell you how much that meant to me.

and then i beat my dad at cards. that was another highlight.

and then i failed to produce a baby before my parents left on tuesday. but i think they're okay with it. actually, i know they are.

so now we wait. like i said, i'm 40 weeks today. and i have a history of giving birth to paul bunyan's babies, so i confess i do hope we don't wait too, too long.

talk to you soon? maybe?

[photos from the last several weeks from my instagram feed]

***

diy valentine heart rings

olivia's very cool older cousin runs an etsy shop where she sells handmade polymer clay jewelry. (check it out. a teenage artist and entrepreneur = i wish i were that awesome.) anyway, she showed olivia the ropes over the summer, and olivia's been hooked on polymer clay crafting ever since. we decided to make these heart rings as valentines that she took to a party last weekend. they turned out so well, i asked insisted she make one for me too. cute, right? you know you want one too.

as for the boy, we sadly didn't get around to making any manly valentines this year, but if we did, i'd want them to be as cool as these:

"wild about you" animal valentines by casey

"out of this world" astronaut valentines by danielle

***

on food + culture (food culture), part 2: how the olsons do food

in my last post, i talked about food culture: american food culture, family food culture, and wanting to make changes to our family's approach to food. and today i'm back with a list of 15 values and guidelines i'm cleverly calling:

how the olsons do food

so. it's a work in various stages of progress. some of the items on the list are things we are already good at. some of them need work. but all of them are important to me and match my vision for less stress and more joy re: food and family.

obviously, each family's approach to food and mealtime is a highly individualized thing, and what's important to me might not so much be important to you and your family, but i thought you might be curious to see?

(and as always, i'd love to hear your ideas/feedback.)

HOW THE OLSONS DO FOOD

1) food is important. prioritize and consciously make time for food--real food--that is minimally processed and prepared at home.

2) eat mindfully. pay attention to what you eat and how. enjoy it.

3) meals are a social experience. eat as a family as often as possible. (for us this means dinner is served at 7:00 instead of 5:00 or 6:00.)

4) related to above: no distractions at the table. this includes phones, books, magazines, toys, etc.

5) sit down to eat. at the table. no exceptions.

6) whenever possible, serve a vegetable as a first course instead of a side dish.

7) everyone in the family eats the same thing. no short-order cooking.

8) children are not required to eat everything on their plates, but they are strongly encouraged to try everything.

9) related to above: no whining or complaining at meals. if you can't say something nice about the food, just please don't say anything at all. cool?

10) a snack is served (at the table) between lunch and dinner, generally around 4:00 PM. no other snacking is allowed.

11) water is the only beverage appropriate for guzzling. if you are thirsty, drink water! milk and juice are foods, not beverages, and should be consumed sparingly and mindfully.

12) use cloth napkins (we use unpaper towels) to help combat a fast-food mindset. 

13) related to above: no plastic dishes.

14) everyone pitches in with meal prep and clean up. children have specific responsibilities, based on age-appropriateness and their interests.

15) when cooking, clean as you go. a disastrous mess of a kitchen is stressful while you're cooking. and at the end of a meal it's a major drag.

***

on food + culture (food culture)

hello, friends. time is short today, but i've been wanting to get some thoughts down on (virtual) paper about one of my favorite topics:

food.

well, let me revise that.

food is my favorite. the planning of it, the shopping for ingredients, and actual making of food? not so much.

for me, cooking and meal planning have historically been pretty stressful things. and that is something that needs to change. i just don't have room in my life for unnecessary stress. (does anybody?) i need a new approach to food, and that brings me to the topic of food culture, which is something i've been thinking a lot about lately.

american food culture--it's pretty much a mess. now don't get me wrong, i love my country. but, let's be honest, as a nation we eat like crap. diabetes, heart disease, overweight--they're all big problems here in the US, and the more i think about it, it's not so much because of what we eat--though that is a major contributor to our national health crisis (hello, processed foods, i'm looking at you)--but it's also very much about how we eat. and in a word, that's mindlessly.

the american approach to food is this: food should be convenient. it should require very little thought. and it should be prepared and consumed quickly, ideally while thinking about and/or doing something else (working at your desk, picking up carpool, running errands, watching tv).

we are world-class snackers, americans. we've been called a fast food nation, which is actually just code for thoughtless food nation. and you know what? that doesn't sit right with me. and maybe all of that is the reason why food and healthful eating and family mealtime have become so synonymous with stress for me. as an american, i've been conditioned to think of food as something i'm too busy for, something i don't really want to be bothered much by, something that should be squeezed in around all the other more important things i have to do--when really, it should be more of a priority than that.

and so i'm making it a priority. i'm changing the way i look at food, the way my family looks at food. i'm giving real thought to our family's food culture, and how i would like that to look.

now, before i get ahead of myself, let's be clear about one thing: my time and energy and brainpower are all very limited resources, which means there will have to be sacrifices. prioritizing our family's food culture and teaching myself and my children to have a healthier relationship with food (and with each other?) may mean things like later bedtimes (nooooo!) so we can eat together as a family more often and/or letting go of some of the afternoon activities we're used to so we have time to prepare a real midday meal (and actually enjoy it) instead of rushing on to the next thing.

sigh. it won't be easy. change never is. but i just keep coming back to this:

how much time and energy and thoughtful consideration does cultivating a healthy, rich, joyful family food culture (particularly where a larger societal food culture is found lacking) deserve?

answer: more than I have been giving it.

okay, more soon. in the meantime, here are a few links to some resources that i've found helpful/inspiring of late:

- Word of Wisdom Living blog
- French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon
- City Market (my friend just convinced me to make the drive downtown one day soon, and take the kids)

what do you think? i'd love to hear what you have to say on the subject of food culture, the slow food movement, healthy eating habits, or anything else related to food. and if you have any recommendations for additional reading i'd love to hear those too!

[food-related instagram photos by me: @cee_dee_oh]

***

our holidays at home

These days between Christmas and New Year's have been really joyful, corny as that sounds. More than anything, it has to do with being together as a family, and that sounds even cornier. But it's true. When the family is whole and both parents are home, the tone of our days is different. I don't know quite how to describe it--more relaxed, content maybe? All I know is it's nice having The Engineer around during daylight hours. His presence here at home has a stabilizing/comforting effect. There is opportunity for more one-on-one time with the children, and for stolen moments by one's self (without guilt...mostly).

These are the days I am content to stay holed up at home and be...completely ordinary. Read, play board games, watch movies, wear stretchy pants, eat. Oh yes, eat. K and the kids are mostly content to do the same, except when they aren't. And then there they are, coaxing me out of hermit-mode and into the world for a bit of family adventure. We have been to Union Station and to the art museum. Such outings are so much easier with two parents, one of whom is NOT pregnant and big as a house, and once again I'm so grateful to be together for a few days.

Some random bits:

- Peanut butter blossoms are still my favorite Christmas cookie, and the only ones we made this year.

- I'm always on the lookout for fun family board games. Qwirkle is a definite keeper. Good for ages 5 and up.

- Les Mis--I liked it very much.

- I accomplished a long-standing goal and learned how to do a braided crown on Olivia. (See photos. It's not as hard as it looks.)

- I had a birthday.

- I really hope my mother-in-law sends me some of her homemade divinity this week.

- More random bits on Instagram: @cee_dee_oh

Thanks for reading here. I mean that reallytrulysincerely. Wishing you and yours a happy New Year.

***

family dinner

hi and happy thanksgiving tomorrow, everybody! don't let the images fool you. we're going out to dinner again this year. and very much looking forward to lots of food + no dishes. :)

but today i'm reminded of this dinner last summer with my siblings and their spouses (and my nephew and his then-girlfriend now-fiance!). an adults-only evening was one of the things i wanted to do most while we were in utah visiting family. my sisters ended up doing most of the prep-work as i was busy surviving/bemoaning the beginning stages of gestating another baby. to my credit, i somehow managed to muster enough energy to boss everyone around about the strict dress code ("no shorts!"). ha. of course my brother made some typical brother-y comment like, "what's the big deal? it's just family." but truthfully, i can't think of any people i'd rather make a big deal for. our about.

are you thinking about family at this time of year? do you have siblings? are you close?

p.s. in case you're wondering, i'm the 6th of 8 kids. big family! two sisters and a brother (and their spouses) weren't able to make it to the dinner, so they are not pictured in the group photo. also, my parents would have been there, but they were on their mission in peru at the time. (they just got home two weeks ago--hi, mom and dad!)

p.p.s. can you believe my sister's yard/house? gorgeous. especially by twinkle light.

***

a belated post about the KC temple dedication

Through a series of disappointing circumstances and then some unexpected events, we suddenly found ourselves at the cornerstone ceremony, where then nine-year-old Olivia had a front-row "seat" for the proceedings (it was actually standing-room only). Whattup. She got to meet LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson and shake his hand. Considering this was one of her life goals (the other one being: solve a real mystery, like Nancy Drew) it was kind of a Big Deal. And then! Her picture was in the Church News. What? It just doesn't get better than that for a bookish junior librarian like her. (She's sort of in the background in the newspaper photo--look for the girl with the big smile and the feather headband.)

Have you ever met one of your heroes? Or a celebrity, of any kind? What's Pat Benatar really like, I wonder? (That was a trick question. Answer: Awesome. Duh.)

Some LDS trivia for my Mormon-curious friends:

The full name of the church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We are Christian. Among other scripture, we read and study the Bible. We believe in the biblical practice of building temples as symbolic houses of God. (Photos + some of my thoughts on the temple here.)

P.S. Thank you for your happy thoughts and kind words after my last post. The Internet can be a strange and sometimes scary/hostile place, and I'm so grateful to have this safe space to share bits and pieces of our life with you.

***

some family photos + more

hey, look! it's our traditional semi-annual family self-portrait. you can see how much has changed--and hasn't changed--here and here.

and now for a bit of news:

the olsons are expecting a baby! hooray! a few details:

- i am currently 21 weeks along. (more like 17 in the photos; i've grown since then)

- the baby is due in march.

- we've decided to keep with tradition and be surprised about the whole boy/girl thing.

- we've had an ultrasound. baby looks healthy and perfect, and it's definitely not a puppy. (sorry, asher.)

okay, so those are the basics. i have a little more to say on the matter, which is personal and maybe a bit heavy. i hope you'll excuse the abrupt change in tone, but it's important for me to be honest and real here, as vulnerable as that feels.

we've been a bit quiet about this pregnancy, which, frankly, has caused a raised eyebrow or two. some have inferred, or even directly implied, that we are not happy about this pregnancy. let me assure you, this is absolutely not true. we are thrilled/grateful/humbled to welcome another addition to our family. but the process of getting our family here has never been easy for us, and this pregnancy is no exception. the past several months have been some of the most difficult we've ever experienced. among other challenges, my health has been a very real issue, and for children whose life experience has taught them that Very Bad Things sometimes happen to moms and babies, it's taken a heavy emotional toll. now more than ever, our focus as parents has had to turn inward on our family, especially these little ones. i think most people understand that--the need to hunker down and take care of each other during hard times, but I just want to be clear. not shouting our news from the rooftops doesn't mean we aren't happy, or that we mean to exclude people from what's going on in our life. it just means that we're human, and that we're being selective with where our focus needs to be right now.

thanks for your understanding, support, and love.

***